Revival

What a nonsense place I have been. I wont tell all the details of this marvelous change but I will say this: Baby I am back. I know I have been missing lately and I am so sorry but I am here now and back to where I should be- the girl you fell in love with. My wits arw about me the world is mine! And the future is ours. Sometimes it takes a new voice or a different adventure to put things back into place. Sivan has really opened my eyes among other people and baby I am truly defying gravity! I am declaring my independence I am not afraid I am not controlled! And it feels wonderful. The worlds you have given to me I am now creating for myself with no limitations. I am deciding what I want when I want it and how I am going to do it and the best of it all involves you ;) but you are going to have to wait.

Two against the world.

Here's to you baby!

The rest...

Saturday night I did nothing...but eat. Oh my God. My dinner: Salad, half a personal pizza, 12 ravioli, and a chicken cutlet. Then I got sick feeling and passed out for the count. Winston slept on me all night to make me feel better.

Sunday morning we went out to Target. I got some slippers: pink with white polka dots loafers with pink fuzzy insides. Your slippers officially have competition! After much adieu and searching we left. It was cold today- 60 degrees and I have to remember to stop complaining about that because you will be much colder soon but I also know you will love it and I will truthfully be jealous!

I went out with Sivan and Mayte to hang out at the mall. They are really very fun. It was funny, Mayte kept putting her feet on Sivans windshield... Who does that remind you of? I had a great time.

Then I came home and nothing matters much from there. I know I miss you like crazy and have so much more to say. And I hope I get you for Christmas! Bow optional ;)

Oh MArk. Even writing to you makes things better. I am calm I am relaxed and the world goes back to that nonsense place you and I laugh at. You are right, I just have to remember.


Here's to you baby!

Passing Days

Life without you is hard. You are like my second stream of conscious and when it goes silent I go insane. They call this dependent and unhealthy and I have to agree. These past days have been up downs of happy and sad. With or without you I am crazy and I think I am going through an increase. Or off the deep end. I just cant tell if it is the rest of the world or if I am just a horrible person. Do I need you to tell me I am wonderful? No that isnt the answer because I know I am. The eight weeks without you will be testing but I will find strength within myself.

I wonder what you are doing and the fun you are having. I am jealous, a little, but I am mkre excited to hear every detail and experience your tales. I think about the future and the hardships but I smile. I know you are forever I know I cant be wrong.

Saturday was nothing but errands. They are ridiculous as you know but I am trying to see it as entertainment: oooh hoo hoo these funny people I am around!!! Its hard to remember always maybe I should talk about it more to see how ridiculomous it all is. I was a digestive mess Saturday. Granted my beer farts are nothing like yours but they are pretty awful.

So the funniest thing they do I have to tell you. I guess I am at an age when it must be hard to Christmas shop for me. I like the system the Sheffields have and I have been trying to enact that . So I went out with my Grandma and she bought me some gifts and said, "You have to act surprised on Christmas in front of your mother!" Then Saturday while I was out with both of them Mom and I had an exoerience. I found yoga pants I wanted (looking back I shoukd have researched more and found better ones). I wanted just two pair. Well first she said, "You have to act surprised in front of your Grandmother for Christmas" and thrn tried to find more. I think its communication and I think a lot is my fault. I didnt really give her a list so she didnt really know. I am making a resolution to end this particukar stress. Enough is enough. Communication is so important as you and I have taught each other. If the spirit of surprise and caring is what Christmas is then it should kast all year. We communicate without boundary because we exist in limitless trust. I think fear of speaking is what kills communication and eliminates it as a process altogether. If the world, or at least me in my other relationships for starters, can trust enough to speak truthfully and honestly- if everyone could live with the no nothing rule- oh what a world it could be.

Here's to no more fear after deep reassurance,
Here's to you baby!

Communication

Boyfriend: Something

Girlfriend: That something means something else, therefore something else something else

Boyfriend: Well that's not what I said so that must mean something else something else

So on and so forth.

Confusing, I know, but this is basically what a lot of relationship arguments come down to, in the words of Led Zeppelin, a communication breakdown. Any kind of deeply trusting love can cause vulnerability. No, it necessarily shouldn't but for some point in time through a relationship it can. But personal fears getting in the way of personal relationships is never a fun game or a fair bargain. True, they are your fears, your feelings, but they are negatively associated ones and far better done without. It is all really quite logical. Instead of making an assumption and reacting on it when your partner says something you don't understand or are unsure of simply ask them about it. Don't put up a fight or a front or what Mark and I call the Nothing.

"Babe, what's wrong"

"Nothing"

...we all know the answer usually isn't nothing. So, instigate the no-nothing rule. Nothing is never an answer, and nothing goes undiscussed. If your level of trust and understanding is strong enough than no topic or statement should ever be able to cause a fight. Fights only lead to ultimatums, its either good bad or over after a fight, in my opinion at least. How much easier it seems to simply ask, simply listen, and simply understand what's going on!

Furthermore on a completely personal note which hasn't happened quite so far I would like to add what a fantastic weekend we had. It started off a little shaky as Mark and I had our own miscommunication regarding my performance, but instead of holding anger, I held a special performance with my team after the game (I'm on the Dance Team, we perform at Basketball games). It only got better from there. New experiences like interpretive dance, new tastes like pure hot chocolate, and of course the ultimate goodness: Great Pinot Noir.

Love love people and fear it not....its more afraid of you than you are of it.

Here's to you, Baby.

Where does the Good Go?

Reflection is important whether its about your emotions, your anxieties or even what you see in the mirror. I find that there are days I go by without taking a good moment to have a conversation with myself in the mirror. Now I know this might sound kind of crazy but the days when I get to hang out with myself seem to be some of the happier days I have. Take a moment to dance in the mirror and make all your faces. Its a good time. Reflection brings things to our attention in a positive light...its all self realization and self affirmation in my opinion at least. Showcase yourself to yourself and the world is truly your stage. The more you can pull out of your head the less you have to stay in it. Furthermore, the more you give yourself the ability to depend on you for affirmation and entertainment the less you have to depend on others like your partner. I love you is great to hear from your significant other, but its greatest to give yourself in a nice big smile through the mirror. Realizing that certain smile you make when you laugh really is that beautiful is more of an I love you than any kind of romance. So fall in love with yourself as often as possible and the reasons for anyone else doing so will simply fade away. Your romance doesn't need one thing but you.

Days Go By

Our days are meant to be trivial. There's a full 24 hours to each day and I find that they might get boring if they were consistently the same. Of course, I'm not a fan of the day full of constant horribleness but a day with a few interesting turns is never a day wasted. You can start your morning on the wrong side of the bed but by afternoon be a ray of sunshine. Your attitude is your choice, anything else that you think constitutes that is false. So truly the triviality of our everyday lies not in what comes at us but in what we give out. To sound completely cheesy, give out the best of things: hugs, laughter, smiles and a positive attitude. I know it sounds corny but just keeping a smile on your face and walking with a little bounce in your step isn't some form of perky, its an enlightened state of mind. Your trueness should be your happiest-ness, anything outside of that is negative and false. The trivial things of everyday make that trueness hard to stand by sometimes, but its way better being happy than not. So instead of getting frustrated that you just walked across campus, realized you left your computer charger and have to go back, don't get all grumpy about it. Its another opportunity to walk in the sunshine.

In terms of relationships, don't let what your relationship has become or where it is going erase what your relationship has always been. Really, don't think about your relationship at all. You chose that other person for a reason, and its all about them and you. When you look at the bond, you lose the parts, just like if you look at the bad you lose the good.

Here's to you baby and keepin' the good times rollin'.

Storybooks

sometimes all it takes is the threat of the story ending to put it back to the beginning again.

The middle chapters disappear and suddenly its a new story.

A change in your life doesn't have to be the 'start of a new chapter' because your life doesn't have to be one big long story.

A teacher once said to me history has no beginning and no end, its simply a bunch of middles.

The same can be applied to life.

Your stories don't have to start or end, and chapters dont have to be finalized

Just keep on moving and the pages will turn and soon you'll forget the pages even exist.

Life isn't marked by a start and a finish at any point in time. Life is an endless narrative and we're neither narrator nor character nor viewer. We get to be all of them while being none of them.

So close the books and leave them in libraries. Go outside and take a look at the sky without thinking about anything. I bet you forgot how fascinating of a thing it is to wonder why the sky is blue.

No more answers, no more chapters, because all chapters end with a resolution. Let's keep this story going with all the wonder there can be.

No Such Thing as Nothing

So often arguments can start and things can get over looked over the "nothing" bug, that tiny little gnat in your attitude that causes you to reply "nothing" to any question asked. I find that a relationship can be much easier when the "nothing bug" is exterminated. What that really translates to is on simple rule: don't lie.

It seems complicated right? How could a person, especially in a relationship, be honest all the time? You just simply do it. If the person you are with truly loves you and is in the relationship to know and love you, then no fact, feeling, opinion, situation or compromise could possibly change that.

We are but human beings with baggage, hormones, and preexisting assumptions. Its not our fault when things get hazy. What is our fault is our lack of ability to slice through the haze and find the love. If love is true, nearly all can be forgiven. I emphasize love being true. If you doubt your love for a second, not being able to get past things is a sure sign of legitimacy for that doubt. But, if you trust your love, if your love is true, not a thing exists that you cannot understand and move past. And let me just mention, this must go both ways. Love and relationships absolutely can NOT be a game of who did what, when and why. If love cannot be measured than neither can your relationship.

If at the end of the day you can look into the face of your partner and despite the fights, tears, arguments and things that may have happened find that you're just as prepared for what will come tomorrow- I personally think you are in good stead.

Avoid at all cost preexisting judgments and personal baggage getting in the way of love- simply acknowledge, analyze and move on with the powerful positivity in the presence of your relationship.

Here's to you, Baby.

In Memory

In memory things can be lost

In memory things can be transformed, translated, transparent, transported

In memory things can be forgotten

In memory things can be changed

In memory, though, things can be remembered

For that is memory's purpose.

Often times it seems memory only serves to haunt, but its serves to remind.

And today I was reminded of You. Remember last summer, our first times alone, had no money so we watched movies at home? Dinner at 8 movie at ten, get high, go home, and do it again. Playing in the rain, making out till dawn, doing anything to avoid a yawn. So fresh so new so ready to go, my world was spinning but time was slow and its been creeping but flying past when you're in love things move too fast but what a story we have to share, starting in that summer when we didn't care. What a story, what a life we lead. Sometimes memory is all you need.

In memory things can be restored

In memory my love for you is evermore

In memory love can never die

In memory, eternally,

You and I.

Unconditional Love

You have your good days and you have your bad days. Some of the time it can be dealt with, some of the time it cannot. So what's the one thing that keeps us going, keeps us all in some kind of balance? Unconditional love. In my highest of highs or lowest of lows, Mark loves me unconditionally.

His optimism and positivity blows my mind when I'm not on that same level. I'm seeing things like this: everyday since I've seen you is the longer I don't see you. He's sees it like this: everyday since I've seen you is one day closer to the next time I do. How simple is that?

The little things in life that take away from the really important things in life snowball quicker than imaginable sometimes. You just have to keep the faith and stay positive. Mark has extreme faith in us and I do too. And he's always there to remind me. Life moves pretty fast you know and if you don't stop once in a while you might miss it. Whenever I need to stop, Mark's right there, frozen in time. A time in the future when all we've needed to do is done, all we've had to get through is gone through, and we will be together and it will be permanent and as Mark said tonight, "by that time it will be perfect".

So here's to the promise of perfection, or a lifetime of achieving it. And instead of thinking about the fact that it may never be 'perfect', here's to each moment being more perfect than the last. Here's to positivity, unconditional love, friendship and trust. Here's to us, baby, but mostly here's to You.

Oregon Forest

You can look at a forest as a forest and see it as just a forest- a large mass of pointy green tips called trees. Only, when you look at a forest as a forest you don't particularly consider the trees. The trees don't really even exist. That is, until you discard the signified green tips and look at the trees. You then look at a 'forest' and think, "My God, that's a lot of trees." You look at all the trees and feel quite small realizing that the quantity of forest is much different from the quantity presented by hundreds if not thousands of trees-

Very big, very beautiful, very old trees.

Oregon Wind

I'm going to start a series of blogs that are the little passages I write throughout the day in Oregon... All of them define what kind of a place Oregon is...

Its a place so quiet that when, on a day like today when the sky becomes saturated with enough rain weight to scare away the blue, the wind starts blowing and you stand outside. You are caught with the sneakiness that sound has with the sound of rain. You can't tell, though, if the sound of rain that you hear is just the wind blowing through the trees or if it is the very sound of the rain itself approaching. Either way the sound experience is...amazing. As you stand there with nothing but the forest, your house and your truck for company you realize how significant this sound phenomenon is and how displaced you have been (not how displaced you are)- because you realize, quite profoundly, the observation you just made: the sound of rain approaching- and just like the feeling you get in that moment when you look at a tree and suddenly see it as an evolution of growth, understanding that its been growing for hundreds of years you feel yourself drifting in a disturbing question:

Have you ever heard anything so clearly in your life?