First Week

Dear Mark,

You've been gone just a couple of days. I expected the agony to be ten times worse even by now, but it isn't. I wonder if it will wrosen or if it will just go away once I get your first letter. This situation we are in is so peculiar. I feel fear, but I feel comfort. I'm nothing but happy when I think of you, when I think of our love, because I feel from the depths of the earth that we will be alright. I know from the beat of my heart you belong to me, you are all I need.

Getting life back together seems difficult. You know this routine well- enough things pile up and the surface seems impossible. The most impossible thing to find right now is inspiration. This nonsense with the Sorority is absurd and bringing me down. You're not the only thing I worry about anymore, my future elsewhere is at risk. We got really screwed, really screwed. But I tell you what. Like I feel those drums of summer I'm feeling the drums of revolution. Something is coming. Something is on its way. My speech has been impeccably motivating lately, I'm changing people's minds, I'm moving people's directions. My first revolution is on its way, I can't wait to tell you.

I wonder most what you do, what you think. I think out of anything that is what is most frustrating. We usually tell each other everything from what it is we do to why we do it and what we think while we are doing it. I miss your brain. Sometimes people make the argument that you can miss your relationship more than you miss your partner. At close distance, I can admit, we may miss the aspects of our relationship more than each other necessarily since we get so much of each other. Now, though, my love for you I feel is proved because I miss you as you- person, boyfriend, whatever. I miss Mark entirely.

I wake up every morning completely confused but optimistically at least. I don't know where each day is going to take me, but I am excited to find out. I don't know how sad I will be that I can't tell you about it, but I'm excited to figure it out at the end of the night and write to you. As scared and sad as I get sometimes, I find more invigorating drive in the uncertainty for one reason: We are certain of us, we are certain of ourselves, we are certain of each other.

So, here's to being uncertain in certainty. Here's to you, baby.

Revival

What a nonsense place I have been. I wont tell all the details of this marvelous change but I will say this: Baby I am back. I know I have been missing lately and I am so sorry but I am here now and back to where I should be- the girl you fell in love with. My wits arw about me the world is mine! And the future is ours. Sometimes it takes a new voice or a different adventure to put things back into place. Sivan has really opened my eyes among other people and baby I am truly defying gravity! I am declaring my independence I am not afraid I am not controlled! And it feels wonderful. The worlds you have given to me I am now creating for myself with no limitations. I am deciding what I want when I want it and how I am going to do it and the best of it all involves you ;) but you are going to have to wait.

Two against the world.

Here's to you baby!

The rest...

Saturday night I did nothing...but eat. Oh my God. My dinner: Salad, half a personal pizza, 12 ravioli, and a chicken cutlet. Then I got sick feeling and passed out for the count. Winston slept on me all night to make me feel better.

Sunday morning we went out to Target. I got some slippers: pink with white polka dots loafers with pink fuzzy insides. Your slippers officially have competition! After much adieu and searching we left. It was cold today- 60 degrees and I have to remember to stop complaining about that because you will be much colder soon but I also know you will love it and I will truthfully be jealous!

I went out with Sivan and Mayte to hang out at the mall. They are really very fun. It was funny, Mayte kept putting her feet on Sivans windshield... Who does that remind you of? I had a great time.

Then I came home and nothing matters much from there. I know I miss you like crazy and have so much more to say. And I hope I get you for Christmas! Bow optional ;)

Oh MArk. Even writing to you makes things better. I am calm I am relaxed and the world goes back to that nonsense place you and I laugh at. You are right, I just have to remember.


Here's to you baby!

Passing Days

Life without you is hard. You are like my second stream of conscious and when it goes silent I go insane. They call this dependent and unhealthy and I have to agree. These past days have been up downs of happy and sad. With or without you I am crazy and I think I am going through an increase. Or off the deep end. I just cant tell if it is the rest of the world or if I am just a horrible person. Do I need you to tell me I am wonderful? No that isnt the answer because I know I am. The eight weeks without you will be testing but I will find strength within myself.

I wonder what you are doing and the fun you are having. I am jealous, a little, but I am mkre excited to hear every detail and experience your tales. I think about the future and the hardships but I smile. I know you are forever I know I cant be wrong.

Saturday was nothing but errands. They are ridiculous as you know but I am trying to see it as entertainment: oooh hoo hoo these funny people I am around!!! Its hard to remember always maybe I should talk about it more to see how ridiculomous it all is. I was a digestive mess Saturday. Granted my beer farts are nothing like yours but they are pretty awful.

So the funniest thing they do I have to tell you. I guess I am at an age when it must be hard to Christmas shop for me. I like the system the Sheffields have and I have been trying to enact that . So I went out with my Grandma and she bought me some gifts and said, "You have to act surprised on Christmas in front of your mother!" Then Saturday while I was out with both of them Mom and I had an exoerience. I found yoga pants I wanted (looking back I shoukd have researched more and found better ones). I wanted just two pair. Well first she said, "You have to act surprised in front of your Grandmother for Christmas" and thrn tried to find more. I think its communication and I think a lot is my fault. I didnt really give her a list so she didnt really know. I am making a resolution to end this particukar stress. Enough is enough. Communication is so important as you and I have taught each other. If the spirit of surprise and caring is what Christmas is then it should kast all year. We communicate without boundary because we exist in limitless trust. I think fear of speaking is what kills communication and eliminates it as a process altogether. If the world, or at least me in my other relationships for starters, can trust enough to speak truthfully and honestly- if everyone could live with the no nothing rule- oh what a world it could be.

Here's to no more fear after deep reassurance,
Here's to you baby!

Communication

Boyfriend: Something

Girlfriend: That something means something else, therefore something else something else

Boyfriend: Well that's not what I said so that must mean something else something else

So on and so forth.

Confusing, I know, but this is basically what a lot of relationship arguments come down to, in the words of Led Zeppelin, a communication breakdown. Any kind of deeply trusting love can cause vulnerability. No, it necessarily shouldn't but for some point in time through a relationship it can. But personal fears getting in the way of personal relationships is never a fun game or a fair bargain. True, they are your fears, your feelings, but they are negatively associated ones and far better done without. It is all really quite logical. Instead of making an assumption and reacting on it when your partner says something you don't understand or are unsure of simply ask them about it. Don't put up a fight or a front or what Mark and I call the Nothing.

"Babe, what's wrong"

"Nothing"

...we all know the answer usually isn't nothing. So, instigate the no-nothing rule. Nothing is never an answer, and nothing goes undiscussed. If your level of trust and understanding is strong enough than no topic or statement should ever be able to cause a fight. Fights only lead to ultimatums, its either good bad or over after a fight, in my opinion at least. How much easier it seems to simply ask, simply listen, and simply understand what's going on!

Furthermore on a completely personal note which hasn't happened quite so far I would like to add what a fantastic weekend we had. It started off a little shaky as Mark and I had our own miscommunication regarding my performance, but instead of holding anger, I held a special performance with my team after the game (I'm on the Dance Team, we perform at Basketball games). It only got better from there. New experiences like interpretive dance, new tastes like pure hot chocolate, and of course the ultimate goodness: Great Pinot Noir.

Love love people and fear it not....its more afraid of you than you are of it.

Here's to you, Baby.

Where does the Good Go?

Reflection is important whether its about your emotions, your anxieties or even what you see in the mirror. I find that there are days I go by without taking a good moment to have a conversation with myself in the mirror. Now I know this might sound kind of crazy but the days when I get to hang out with myself seem to be some of the happier days I have. Take a moment to dance in the mirror and make all your faces. Its a good time. Reflection brings things to our attention in a positive light...its all self realization and self affirmation in my opinion at least. Showcase yourself to yourself and the world is truly your stage. The more you can pull out of your head the less you have to stay in it. Furthermore, the more you give yourself the ability to depend on you for affirmation and entertainment the less you have to depend on others like your partner. I love you is great to hear from your significant other, but its greatest to give yourself in a nice big smile through the mirror. Realizing that certain smile you make when you laugh really is that beautiful is more of an I love you than any kind of romance. So fall in love with yourself as often as possible and the reasons for anyone else doing so will simply fade away. Your romance doesn't need one thing but you.

Days Go By

Our days are meant to be trivial. There's a full 24 hours to each day and I find that they might get boring if they were consistently the same. Of course, I'm not a fan of the day full of constant horribleness but a day with a few interesting turns is never a day wasted. You can start your morning on the wrong side of the bed but by afternoon be a ray of sunshine. Your attitude is your choice, anything else that you think constitutes that is false. So truly the triviality of our everyday lies not in what comes at us but in what we give out. To sound completely cheesy, give out the best of things: hugs, laughter, smiles and a positive attitude. I know it sounds corny but just keeping a smile on your face and walking with a little bounce in your step isn't some form of perky, its an enlightened state of mind. Your trueness should be your happiest-ness, anything outside of that is negative and false. The trivial things of everyday make that trueness hard to stand by sometimes, but its way better being happy than not. So instead of getting frustrated that you just walked across campus, realized you left your computer charger and have to go back, don't get all grumpy about it. Its another opportunity to walk in the sunshine.

In terms of relationships, don't let what your relationship has become or where it is going erase what your relationship has always been. Really, don't think about your relationship at all. You chose that other person for a reason, and its all about them and you. When you look at the bond, you lose the parts, just like if you look at the bad you lose the good.

Here's to you baby and keepin' the good times rollin'.